Kurtio and Lariette
by wyverndragon
Summary: What would happen if Lara and Kurtis lived in the world of Romeo and Juliet? The worst parody in the history of bad parodies!
1. Act I Prologue

**TADA! SHINY NEW PROLOGUE! (Due to my extended hiatus, I thought you all deserved a treat. And besides, this prologue needed reworking anyway :P) I own none of the characters, _except_ for my lovely chorus/self, because Shakespeare was awesome enough to include this character.**

**And if you're new to this story, enjoy, and I hope I don't fry your brain _too_ much! *evil grin***

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><p><strong>Act I<strong>

**Prologue**

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><p>(The lights dim in the theater, and a petite girl with green hair and a very absurd flashy cape enters.)<p>

**Wyvern:  
><strong>Hello there folks, and welcome to this presentation of Kurtio and Lariette at the *insert name here* Theater! I am Wyverndragon, the playwright, and your lovely prologue-a-teer!

(She strikes a "dramatic" pose)

**Wyvern:**  
>A few quick things before we begin...<br>Our production uses special effects such as strobe lights and fog. If you have a condition that will prevent you from seeing this production, please leave the theater now, and your ticket will be refunded at the front desk. We are deeply sorry for any inconvenience.  
>Also, this play contains violence, mild language, and character death, which may be unsuited for small children, and absurd humor, which may be unsuited for adults. And when we say "mild" language, we mean anything milder than an F-Bomb. See, we're <em>sophisticated<em> damn kids that won't get off your lawn!  
>If you have an awesomeness allergy, please hand your emergency medication to the person next to you, should you need it during the play.<br>One more thing: At this time, all cell phones, pagers, and electronic little beepy devices should be turned off and remain off, because shiny lights distract me. Yes, that means _you_

(She gives a random person in the front row the evil eye)

**Wyvern: **We ready? Great!

(She pulls out a paper, unfolds it, and continues, reading from it, in a voice more befitting of an old man in a powdered wig than a teenage girl)

**Wyvern:**

*clears throat*

Many apologies to those  
>Who watch these ill-developed scenes<br>Bored was I, when inspiration  
>Struck like a bolt of light upon me<p>

"What would happen?" wondered I  
>"If Kurtis and fair Lara<br>Were to live in the realm  
>Of Romeo and Juliet?"<p>

Thus born was this play  
>With its non-existant meter<br>One of the worst parodies  
>To ever mar the stage of my muse<p>

Before we begin, I shall disclaim  
>That the plot is William Shakespeare's<br>And the characters of Eidos  
>I am but the combiner of the two<p>

This story does begin, as stories do  
>With two great households, proud and true<br>They were rivals from long ago,  
>The houses Heissturm and Croft<p>

Heissturm was the proudest  
>Of the Lux Veritatis warriors<br>Kurtis, though he wished otherwise  
>Hero of light, he did become<p>

The house of Croft, darker did turn  
>Sir Richard did work for the demon queen<br>Natla was her name, the enemy of light  
>But Lara did not follow such paths<p>

Our story starts where these lovers meet  
>In Paris, the city of lovers and lights<br>The two are doomed, as is their love  
>Cursed upon them for the greater good<p>

(Wyverndragon exits as the curtains open)

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><p><strong>Much better, and now it actually reads like it could be performed! Huzzah! Now go read the new chapter, it took months to write the thing! xD<strong>**(If you could leave a review on your way that would be awesome, and replied to via hugs and cookies ;D)**


	2. Act I  Scene i

**AN: A slightly different take on what happens. A grumpy Kurtis instead of a lovesick Romeo. And Alister is obnoxious X0  
><strong>

**I don't own anybody, even though I love Pierre and Kurtis :)**

**I have no idea what Kurtis' mom's name is, so I used Marie, cuz it suited her. If there's actually an official one whine at me and I might change it.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Act I<strong>

_Scene i_

* * *

><p>(Pierre and Larson enter, carrying their weapons of preference)<p>

**Pierre: **It is filthy, how those Veritatis look down on us

**Larson:** Indeed. We would not want them to see your French…_bald…_head

**Pierre:** I am not bald! Anyway, if any of them show up we'll shoot them

**Larson:** That's what you said last time, until we actually _saw_ them

**Pierre:** What do you mean? Do you call me a coward?

**Larson:** Yeah, basically. You're the _king_ of running away

**Pierre:** Am not!

**Larson:** You are! You even fear Lady Lara!

**Pierre:** You were kicked in the head by a horse, oui? So the brain does not work correctly?

***PAUSE***

**Larson:** How'd you know about that?

**Pierre:** Nevermind, look, those men work for the Heissturm!

(As he speaks, Bouchard and another Random Servant enter, also carrying weapons)

**Larson:** Let us see how brave you really are, friend

**Pierre:** No, do not start another brawl. We do not want to end up in prison

**Larson: **You _**scared**_?

**Pierre:** Nay, let them start it. We'll call it self defense

**Larson:** You're the smart guy. Make sure it works

**Pierre:** I know! We will whisper about them as we pass by!

**Larson:** Uh, boss, we're already _doing_ that.

(They are indeed, and Bouchard and his assistant are giving them strange looks)

**Pierre: **Oh. Umm…. Hey you!

(Bouchard looks at him)

**Pierre:** You're, uhh… really, really fat!

(Bouchard pulls out his gun, and proceeds to shoot him. A gunfight ensues.)

* * *

><p>(Alister enters, holding a handgun he doesn't seem too comfortable with)<p>

**Alister:** Everybody stop! Someone is bound to be hurt!

(Kid enters, also armed)

**Kid:** As if you should talk. You're the one waving the gun

**Alister:** I do not want it! I only use it to keep peace!

**Kid:** Liar!

(Kid fires at Alister, and they join the fighting)

* * *

><p>(Richard and Amelia enter)<p>

**Richard:** Amelia, get me my rifle. I must face this coward Heissturm in battle

**Amelia:** No! You will hurt yourself. 'Tis not worth the pain.

* * *

><p>(Konstantin and Marie enter on the other side of the stage)<p>

**Marie:** Don't you even think about getting out those Periapt Shards!

**Konstantin:** Richard is here. We must fight!

**Marie:** No, you are _not_ fighting!

* * *

><p>(Lord Winston enters. He is furious)<p>

**Winston: **You idiots! Put down your weapons! Put them down! *cough* _Put them down, or I will leave you murderous beasts to rot in the dungeons!_

(Everybody drops their weapons, some more reluctantly than others)

**Winston: **Thank you. *ahem-hem* _THIS IS THE FOURTH BLOODY TIME I'VE HAD TO BREAK ONE OF THESE GODDAMN GUNFIGHTS UP! CAN'T YOU PEOPLE KEEP YOUR BLOODY HANDS TO YOURSELVES? _You two, Croft, Heissturm. You seem to be the cause of these things. A word please?

(Everyone leaves except for Winston, Richard and Konstantin. The other two proceed to make faces at each other behind Winston's back)

**Winston: **_FOR GOD'S SAKES __**STOP THAT**__!_ Now, if we are going to converse like civilized beings now… If I ever see one of those riots again…

(He motions the two will be beheaded, complete with sound effect)

**Winston: **Am I clear?

(Richard and Konstantin nod like ashamed children)

**Winston: **Good. Konstantin, I will talk to you this afternoon, by the courthouse. Richard, come with me.

(Winston and Richard exit. Marie and Alister reenter)

* * *

><p><strong>Konstantin:<strong> Who started this whole thing anyway? Were you there when it started Alister?

**Alister:** Not exactly. Croft's servants were fighting with ours, and I tried to break it up, but then Kid started shooting at me!

(He starts crying on Konstantin's shoulder)

**Konstantin:** Um…yes…it's,err, quite alright. You can stop crying now.

**Marie:** Have you seen Kurtis? I hope he didn't get himself hurt in this stupid little battle.

**Alister:** I think I saw him under the Sycamore this morning. I think he's still there.

**Konstantin: **_Again?_ What's his problem _this time_?

**Alister: **I do not know. He has not told me.

**Marie:** Could you find out what it is? We would be grateful.

**Alister:** Absolutely, Madame.

(He attempts to bow, but sorta falls over in the process. Marie and Konstantin ignore this, and exit)

* * *

><p>(Kurtis enters)<p>

**Alister: **Heyy…soo…why are you sad?

**Kurtis:** Didn't say I was.

**Alister:** You are not yourself.

**Kurtis: **Says who? Maybe this _is_ me.

**Alister:** C'mon man! Your parents told me to find out what's wrong with you! What'll I do without something to report?

**Kurtis: **Sucks to be you.

(Alister starts to cry again)

**Kurtis:** Alright, alright. Seriously though, stop crying. It's embarrassing _enough_ being related to you.

**Alister: **So what's wrong with you?

**Kurtis: **In reality? My life sucks, my parents don't give a crap about me, and my friends are mostly idiots. But hey, I'm sure you can make up something _far_ more interesting.

**Alister:** I got it! You're in love!

**Kurtis:** Love doesn't make you sad, dumbass.

**Alister:** _Unrequited_ love!

**Kurtis: ** This is stupid.

**Alister: **You are in love with… Amanda!

**Kurtis:** Aman…wait, no! Eww, dude, have you _seen_ her? What the hell do you think is _wrong_ with me?

**Alister:** Love knows no bounds.

**Kurtis: **Besides, Amanda is busy trying to get in with Rutland, so whatever version of me that happens to be in love with her is basically screwed.

**Alister: **That's why it's _unrequited_ love, silly.

**Kurtis: **If my parents actually believe this bull, I might consider suicide.

**Alister:** You know what _I _think you need to do? Look at other girls.

**Kurtis: **Little problem there: _I'm not in love with Amanda_.

**Alister:** No, to help with your _real_ problems. Finding a girl might help!

(Alister exits)

**Kurtis:** As if I would ever take _your_ advice sober…

(Kurtis exits)

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><p><strong>And Scene. Reviews appreciated, as are hugs and cookies. Don't blame me, am sick and half-delirious at moment :)<strong>


	3. Act I  Scene ii

**AN: I'm back! As usual I don't own anything, Alister is irritating, and Kurtis is awesome :)**

**Jessica151294: Thanks for the review! Yeah, I can't write anything without joking around a little. My problem is Kurtis usually ends up too nice...**

**Deirdre: Thanks! I feel special now! Blame sickness and delirium for the idea. Yes, I have heard of KTEB, but I neglect to join because as fond as I am of bringing Kurtis back, I'm equally fond of just killing him off later. Yeah... *shrugs*  
><strong>

**As far as Marie goes, I read the name in a couple other fics and liked it, but when checking the net, there was no "offithulz" name for her, so I used that.  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Act I<strong>

**Scene ii**

* * *

><p>(Richard, Amelia and Rutland enter)<p>

(They are continuing a conversation)

**Richard:** Lord Winston is right, as usual. These feuds have gone on too long.

**Amelia:** But old men are often set in their ways. We can only hope that amends can be made.

**Rutland:** Of course. What do you think of my earlier idea though?

**Richard:** Which? The one about taking over the world and becoming the new King Arthur?

**Rutland:** No! The one where I marry your daughter!

**Amelia: ** I still think Lara is too young to be tied down. She must mature first, give her a year.

**Rutland:** I don't know, m'am. She seems like she will be alright, once given time to adjust to the situation.

**Richard:** I think you should give her a year. Her interests have become a little…unusual, recently.

**Amelia:** You are welcome to court her, and let her fall in love with you, so the marriage will not be as big of a shock to her.

**Rutland:** Sounds reasonable.

**Richard:** And you are welcome to join the ball we are hosting tonight as well. It will be magnificent indeed!

(He turns behind him)

**Richard:** Nishimura!

(Nishimura enters when his name is called)

**Richard:** Here is the guest list for the party tonight. Please inform everyone on the list of their invitation.

**Nishi:** Yes Sir.

(Richard hands Nishimura a big scroll, and all but Nishimura exit)

* * *

><p><strong>Nishi:<strong> *to audience* ummm…. How am I supposed to read this thing?

(He shows the oversized scroll to the audience, which is covered in indecipherable scribbles)

(As he does this, Kurtis and Alister enter, talking)

**Alister:** But you see, it makes sense in theory…

**Kurtis:** Seriously, I don't care.

**Alister: **Every good lie contains grains of truth!

**Kurtis:** And you need to learn to shut up.

**Alister: **Why won't you even _consider_ taking my advice?

**Kurtis:** Hmm, I dunno…maybe because you're the _only_ person I know whose love life is worse than _mine?_

(Nishimura walks up to them, interrupting their conversation)

**Nishi:** Excuse me good sirs, can you read?

**Kurtis:** Would you look at that, a Japanese guy in Paris. My life gets weirder _every_. _friggin_. _day_.

**Alister:** Yes, of course we can read! Can't you?

**Nishi:** Well you see, I have to invite these people to my master's house for the ball tonight…but…

(He gives up explaining and just shows the scroll to them)

**Kurtis: **And _I_ thought _my_ handwriting was bad.

**Alister:** Hang on, I think I got it

(He starts to read, really slowly, hindered by the writing)

* * *

><p>"<p>

Jean-Yves, his wife and daughters,

Marco Bartoli and his sisters,

Von Croy's widow,

Sophia Leigh and her lovely nieces,

Zip and his brother Michael,

My brother Errol, his wife and children

Amanda Evert and Anaya Imanu

Esteemed legionnaires Kold and Kid

"

* * *

><p><strong>Alister:<strong> That sounds like a nice invite list. Where are they invited?

**Kurtis:** He said just said they were invited to a ball at his master's house, smart one.

**Alister:** My apologies, but I was just being polite!

**Kurtis:** Nah, you were being stupid. As per usual. Who's your master anyway?

**Nishi:** The great Richard Croft. I am sure you are welcome to attend, as long as you aren't Heissturm.

**Kurtis:** The whole family feud thing hasn't boiled over yet?

**Nishi:** No, unfortunately. I'll never understand Westerners…

(He walks away with the paper)

**Alister: **Guess what? Amanda'll be there! Wink wink nudge nudge!

**Kurtis:** For. The. Last. Time. I'm. Not. In. Love. With. Amanda!

**Alister:** No, actually I was meaning you could prove you don't like her by finding someone else at the ball.

**Kurtis: **Go away.

**Alister:** C'mon Kurtis!

** *PAUSE***

**Kurtis: **If we crash the ball, will you shut up about it?

**Alister:** Uh-huh!

**Kurtis:** Fine.

**Alister:** Yay!

(Alister skips offstage)

**Kurtis:** They better have strong booze, otherwise I might end up killing you…

(He exits)

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><p><strong>And scene! As usual, reviews, hugs, and cookies appreciated<strong>

**FWI: "Nishi" refers to Nishimura. I was too lazy to spell his name out over and over :P**


	4. Act I Scene iii

**AN: Here we go, another scene! Don't own anything, Kurtis is...wait? No Kurtis in this scene? Alright then, _Lara_ is awesome, and I guess Doppie's cool too :)**

****Many thanks to all who reviewed!****

* * *

><p><strong>Act I<strong>

**Scene iii**

* * *

><p>(Amelia enters, followed by Doppelganger)<p>

**Amelia:** Ah Lara, there you…oh dear. Doppie, where is Lara?

**Dopp:** I told her that her presence was requested a minute ago…

**Lara:** (From offstage) Who is it?

**Dopp:** Your mother wants to speak with you!

**Lara:** Tell her to stuff it!

**Amelia:** Lara, get out here this instant!

(Lara walks onstage. Unlike the other two ladies, she's wearing a t-shirt and combats. Amelia is horrified)

**Amelia: **Lara! What happened to the lovely dress you were wearing this morning?

(Lara shrugs)

**Lara:** Uncomfortable…So, you wanted to talk to me?

**Amelia:** Yes…yes, of course. Tell me, how old are you?

**Lara:** Uh…twenty-five. Why?

**Dopp:** *in background* Oh no…

**Amelia:** Have you given…marriage…any thought?

**Lara:** Yeah, but…

**Amelia:** Wonderful! Do you have anyone in mind?

**Lara:** I've given marriage thought as in I've thought that I don't want to marry.

**Amelia: **Lara!

**Lara:** I've got better things to do than sit around as a trophy wife!

**Dopp:** (whispers to Lara) Lara, drop it.

**Lara:** I will not drop it! You, mother, are constantly trying to marry me off, but you don't understand that _I don't want to marry!_

**Amelia: **Lara, you must carry on the Croft lineage, as is your duty!

**Lara: **If it weren't for the issues with Natla Tech, my _duty_ would have made you marry me off the second I turned fifteen!

**Amelia:** Lara, that is not true! In fact, I even said you needed another year before considering marrying your newest suitor.

**Lara:** Oh. _Lucky me._

**Dopp:** Lara, can I speak to you for a moment?

(She doesn't wait for a response, and drags Lara away from her mother)

**Dopp: **What are you _doing_?

**Lara:** Being obstinate, what else?

**Dopp:** Your parents won't put up with this much longer. What'll you do when they get fed up?

**Lara:** Depends on what _they_ do.

**Dopp:** You are a royal pain.

**Lara:** That's the general idea, Doppie dearest.

(She walks back to her mother, on the other side of the stage)

**Lara: **So, who's this new suitor guy?

**Amelia:** James Rutland, one of Lord Winston's trusted advisors.

**Lara:** I'll take a look at him at the ball tonight and see what I think.

**Amelia:** And dance with him!

**Lara:** And dance with him.

**Amelia: **And be a proper lady!

**Lara: **And be a proper lady.

**Amelia:** And…

(Nishimura enters)

**Nishi: **Madame? Your presence is requested in the ballroom.

**Amelia:** Of course. Lara, we will pick up this discussion later.

(She and Nishimura exit)

(Doppie pulls out a chair, which Lara sits down in)

**Lara: **Bloody hell. Now what?

**Dopp:** Well, Amanda's going to kill you, whether you actually like him or not.

**Lara:** No kidding. And if I don't "approve" of him, Mother'll have conniptions.

**Dopp:** Not to mention that he will chase you around all night…

**Lara:** …and Amanda'll be chasing him…

**Dopp:** So basically your evening is predestined to be ruined.

**Lara:** Lovely. Can't _wait_.

**Dopp:** C'mon. Let's go get you ready for the ball.

(They exit, taking the chair with them)

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><p><strong>And Scene! Reviews, hugs and cookies will be appreciated muchly!<strong>


	5. Act I Scene iv

**AN: Another one! And Kurtis is back! Alister is annoying! Zip is awesome! I _still_ don't own anybody! Exclamation point!  
><strong>

**Jessica: I didn't think of the Ohk Eshivar... I just sorta assumed she was a hired lady-in-waiting. Guess it's up to you :)  
><strong>

**Raini: Many thanks. That was the effect I was going for.**

**A question for the readers: Who do you like better, Kurtis or Zip? Sometimes I can't decide, and I'm curious what you guys think :)**

**On to the play!  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Act I<strong>

**Scene iv**

* * *

><p>(Kurtis, Alister and Zip enter, in formal wear)<p>

**Alister: **So what do we say when we get there?

**Zip:** _You_ don't say anything. I'll do the talking.

**Kurtis: **I don't think Alister's _capable_ of silence.

**Alister:** Hey!

**Zip:** Why do you guys want to go to this thing anyway? These parties are pretty boring.

(Kurtis and Alister answer simultaniously)

**Alister: **Kurtis is having romantic troubles.

**Kurtis:** Alister's being a pain in the ass.

* * *

><p><strong>Zip:<strong> Riiight. I'm guessing the Amanda rumor is… true?

**Kurtis:** Alister, I'm going to kill you.

(Alister hides behind Zip, using him as a shield)

**Alister: **Eeep! Don't let him hurt me!

**Zip:** Depends. What did you do?

**Alister:** I did what he told me to! I promise!

**Zip:** Alright you two. Play nice, tell me what happened.

(Alister stops hiding, but still makes sure Zip is between him and Kurtis)

**Alister:** He told me to make a reason why he was all… blecky. And I did, but now he is even _more_ mean!

**Kurtis: **My parents sent him to find out what's 'wrong' with me.

**Zip:** And…?

**Kurtis:**  
>Well I can't exactly tell them that I'm sick of being expected to participate in a "shadow war" that was over ten years ago anyways! I'd be lucky if I just got disowned!<p>

**Zip:** Point taken.

**Kurtis:** But _Alister_ had to come up with a reason that would make me the laughingstock of Paris for the next decade or two!

**Alister:** It's not my fault! I did what you told me to!

**Zip:** Okay! If I heard this right, Kurtis, your life is messed up on _so many levels_. And Alister, you're just an idiot.

**Alister:** Hey!

**Kurtis:** See! I'm not the _only_ one who thinks that!

**Zip:** Hate to break up the party, but if we don't hurry, we're going to miss the party.

(Zip pulls out three plain black masks)

**Zip: **Behold, comrades. The bachelor-who-doesn't-want-to-look-like-an-idiot mask!

**Alister: **Yay!

(They each take a mask and put it on)

* * *

><p><strong>Alister: <strong>I think we missed the banquet.

**Kurtis:** Whoop-de-do.

**Alister:** So we'll just stay for the dancing!

**Kurtis:** Yeah. Have fun.

**Alister:** What? You're not going to dance?

**Kurtis:** No, I was kinda planning on finding myself a good drink and ignoring the fact that I even know you.

**Zip:** And if you get caught?

**Kurtis:** For what? I've got no weapons, I can't stand my family, and I just want a drink and some _peace _and_ quiet_.

**Alister:** We need to be careful! We don't know what they'll do if they find us!

**Kurtis:** Yeah. Sure. Whatever. Lemme know when something important happens.

* * *

><p>(Some random guards show up on one end of the stage)<p>

**Guard: **Name?

**Zip:** _Lord_ Zip, and… assistants.

**Guard: **Proceed.

(The guards exit)

**Zip: **See? We're in, no problem.

**Kurtis:** Not bad. The lord thing wasn't necessary though.

**Zip:** It totally was. You're just jealous.

**Alister:** Omigosh! Look at the ballroom! It's so amazing!

(He exits quickly, skipping)

**Zip & Kurtis: ***facepalm*

(They exit, following Alister)

* * *

><p><strong>And scene! Reviews, hugs and cookies appreciated. I'll update Stowaway ASAP, but the it may take a while, longer chapter :)<strong>


	6. Act I Scene v

**AN: The long awaited meeting of Kurtis and Lara! Huzzah!  
>I still don't own anybody, Kurtis is awesome, so is Lara, Zip is up to something and Alister doesn't talk much (thank goodness!)<strong>

**It appears that I'm surrounded by Kurtis lovers. I'm not sure if that's a good thing...you guys do know he kinda..._dies_ at the end, right?  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Act I<strong>

**Scene v**

* * *

><p>(Various Dancers enter, and begin dancing. Nishimura enters, sets up a bar with two stools on one side of the stage, and proceeds to tend bar. Lara, Doppie, Anaya, and Amanda enter on the other side, all in dresses and with masks.)<p>

**Lara: **Boring dinners, boring music, boring dancing. I can't wait for this stupid function to be over.

**Anaya:** Such is the life of a lady.

**Lara:** Oh…I feel faint! I need to go lie down. *overdramatic fainting pose*

**Dopp:** No, you're not. You're going to stay and dance and smile, just like a _proper_ English lady.

**Lara:** *mutters* Proper English lady my…

(Rutland exits the crowd of dancers, and walks toward them)

**Amanda:** Oooh! Look! It's Sir Rutland!

**Lara:** As if my evening couldn't get any worse.

**Rutland:** Hello, ladies. Lovely evening, no?

**Lara:** *mutters* Absolutely fan-_friggin_-tastic.

(Doppie hits Lara lightly on the arm)

**Dopp: **Quit it!

**Amanda:** Quite lovely! Especially since you decided to grace us with your presence!

**Rutland:** Indeed. Would one of you join me in a dance?

**Amanda:** I would love to!

(Amanda and Rutland go dance, leaving the others)

(Zip, Alister, and Kurtis enter, on the opposite side from the girls)

**Zip: **And here is where I leave you guys. Have fun, don't break anything or kill anyone.

**Kurtis:** Don't look at _me_, I'm just gonna sit over there.

(Zip shrugs, and goes into the crowd. Alister follows. Kurtis sits down at one of the barstools)

**Kurtis: **What's the strongest stuff you have?

(He continues his 'conversation' quietly. Focus turns back to the girls)

**Anaya: **And there's Zip, and…some friends of his?

**Dopp:** Dunno. Haven't seen them before.

**Lara:** Ah, well. Just another few faces at a party full of them.

(Zip and Alister reach the other side of the stage)

**Zip: **Good evening and all that formal crap. Can I steal Anaya for a bit?

**Dopp:** Sure. Who's that guy?

**Zip:** May I introduce…erm, _Alex_, my…assistant?

**Alister:** A pleasure to meet you.  
><em>(to Doppie)<em> Would you care to dance?

**Dopp:** Absolutely!

(Alister and Doppie go off to dance, as do Zip and Anaya. The latter couple dance at center stage)

**Anaya: **Who are they, and what are you up to?

**Zip:** Nothing to worry over. They're friends, and they'll behave themselves.

**Anaya:** I certainly hope so.

(They move away into the crowd of dancers. Rutland moves over by Lara, with Amanda following)

**Rutland: **Lady Lara, would you care to dance?

**Lara:** No thank you, not at the moment.

**Rutland:** Some other time perhaps?

**Lara:** Perhaps.

(Rutland and Amanda return to the crowd of dancers)

**Lara: **Or perhaps you need to take a hint and die in a hole.

(She moves through the crowd of dancers to the bar, and sits down)

**Lara: **The usual, Nishi.

**Nishi:** You really must stop drinking at these functions, miss. If your mother got word, she would not approve.

**Lara:** Then let's make sure she doesn't, shall we?

**Kurtis:** You a regular at these "functions" then?

**Lara:** Yeah, regrettably. You?

**Kurtis:** Not really, good thing.

(Rutland walks over to them, despite being almost dragged away by Amanda)

**Rutland: **Miss Croft, I am here to inquire if you would take a dance with me.

**Lara:** My apologies Mister Rutland, but as you can see, I am having a _very nice_ conversation with this gentleman here, which I would like to continue_ uninterrupted_. Good evening.

(Rutland leaves with Amanda, obviously furious)

**Kurtis: **I don't see any gentleman around here, but I think that's my cue to leave.

**Lara: **No! Don't leave!

**Kurtis:** …?

**Lara:** If you leave, he'll be back in ten seconds and I won't have a valid reason to ignore him.

**Kurtis:** *laugh* Okay, I'll stay.

**Lara:** You got a name, stranger?

**Kurtis:** Kurtis. Kurtis…Trent.

**Lara:** I'm Lara.

**Kurtis:** So… _Lara,_ would you like to dance?

**Lara:** What is it with everyone asking me to dance!

**Kurtis:** You want cover or not? I promise I don't bite.

**Lara:** *sigh* Alright.

(They join all the other dancers in center stage. The lights dim some, and the music swells.)

*Some dancing later*

(Doppie walks up behind Lara and taps her on the shoulder)

**Lara: **Huh? Oh! What is it?

**Dopp:** Your _dear mother_ wants to speak with you.

**Lara:** Oh, _lovely_  
><em>(*to Kurtis*)<em> I'll be back soon…hopefully.

(Lara exits)

**Kurtis: **Um…who _is_ her mother, exactly?

**Dopp:** The great Lady Croft. Or the greatly _irritating_ Lady Croft, whichever you prefer.

(Doppie returns to the crowd of dancers)

**Kurtis: **Goddammit!

(Lara reenters and walks up to Kurtis)

**Lara: **Is something wrong?

**Kurtis:** Err…no, yes, I need to get going.

**Lara:** Oh. Maybe we'll see each other some other time then?

**Kurtis:** Yeah, I suppose.

**Lara: **Okay. Good night.

(She kisses him on the cheek, and disappears into the crowd of dancers, leaving him grinning)

**Kurtis: ***facepalm* Great, just wonderful! This is all Alister's fault, I'm gonna kill him…

(He exits, then the curtains close)

**End of Act I**

* * *

><p><strong>Alright, so it was a bit different from the original, oh well ;)<br>As always, reviews hugs and cookies appreciated!  
><strong>


	7. Act II Prologue

**AN: Urrg, has it really been that long? Yeah, I think it has...**

**gyikhu: Yay for new reader! Sorry you showed up right when I disappeared... oops.  
><strong>

**Feri: I'm being bribed with cookies! *steals cookies and runs away*  
>Unfortunately their fate is kinda set, and no amount of bloodthirsty Kurtis lovers can change that... but it won't be too sad, I can promise you that!<strong>

**Raini: Haha, I rather liked that line too. I hope you've stopped laughing by now though, that would be a bit weird if you didn't XD  
><strong>

**Jessica: Yes it _is_ always Alister's fault. :D  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Act II<strong>

**Prologue**

* * *

><p>(Wyverndragon is arguing with Somebody, offstage)<p>

**Wyvern: **I don't wanna do another prologue! Prologues are stupid!

**Somebody:** It's in the script, you have to.

**Wyvern:** No I don't! I'm the playwright!

**Somebody:** Out onstage. Now.

(Wyverndragon stumbles onstage, presumably pushed, and falls on her butt)

**Wyvern: **Why you little…!

(She notices the audience watching her)

**Wyvern: **Oh…hey there…

(She waves awkwardly, stands, and brushes off her cape)

**Wyvern: **So what exactly am I supposed to be doing here?

**Somebody: **(Still offstage) Explaining to the audience how you _messed up._

**Wyvern: **I did not mess up! It's called creative license!

**Somebody:** …

**Wyvern:** Fine. But I am _not_ doing it in verse!

(She clears her throat and begins to speak to the audience)

**Wyvern: **So…about that creative license thing…

**Somebody:** It's what happens when you come up with ideas before you read the whole play!

**Wyvern:** Are you doing this prologue or am I?

**Somebody:** Sorry.

**Wyvern:** Right. Let's just say is that this play diverges from the original for the next few scenes, because I fail frequently and spectacularly.

**Somebody:** Exactly!

**Wyvern:** Shut up you!

(She turns and stomps offstage from where she came, possibly tripping over her cape in the process)

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, that's it for now. I'll go see about writing more Stowaway in like... 5 minutes. I'll try to update it soon. Reviews, hugs and cookies appriciated!<strong>


	8. Act II Scene i

**AN: More, more, more! As usual I don't own anybody, Kurtis is awesome, so is Lara, and Alister is the most annoying being on the planet, aside from possibly Natla. And more from Kid! And death threats! Fun fun!  
><strong>

**Jessica: More cookies? Huzzah! As for the ending... I promise it won't be _too_ angsty! And it'll hopefully be funny too... but other than that I make no guarentees as to Kurtis or Lara's safety :D  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Act II<strong>

**Scene i**

* * *

><p>(Kurtis and Alister enter)<p>

**Alister: **So what happened last night?

**Kurtis:** What do you mean?

**Alister:**  
>Well, you disappeared, we panicked and thought you got caught, but then we go back to your apartment and find you there, asleep!<p>

**Kurtis:** …and?

**Alister:** You could have told us you were leaving!

**Kurtis:** You were busy.

**Alister:** When?

**Kurtis:** Dunno. Halfway through the dancing or something. I got bored, went home.

**Alister:** You didn't dance either, did you.

**Kurtis:** No.

(Alister is about to yell at Kurtis when Kid enters)

**Kid: **(pointing at Alister) YOU!

**Alister:** Me?

**Kurtis:** Oh, joy.

**Kid:** You, vile loathsome Heissturm, were at the Croft ball last night!

**Alister:** What? No!

**Kid:** You were! I'll kill you!

(Kurtis steps between the two)

**Kurtis: **Hang on a second.

**Kid:** And I'll kill you too!

**Kurtis:** Uh huh. Sure. Think this through, will you?

**Kid:** …?

**Kurtis:** Alister could've gotten into the ball one of two ways. Somebody took him with them, or he snuck in alone. Right?

**Kid:** Okay…

**Kurtis:  
><strong>No one in their right mind would take him, and, let's face it, there is absolutely _no way_ he would be intelligent enough to sneak in alone. Therefore, Alister could not have been at the ball.

**Alister:** Hey!

**Kid:** I suppose you're right… but if you're lying…

**Kurtis:** I will incur the wrath, yadda, yadda, yadda.

(Kid leaves)

**Alister: **How dare you!

**Kurtis: **What did I do this time?

**Alister: **The Crofts will spread so many rumors, I'll _never_ get my Doctorate after this! My life is ruined!

**Kurtis:** Join the club.

(Lara, Doppie and Anaya enter on the other side of the stage)

**Anaya: **Psst!I think that's the guy you danced with at the ball!

**Lara:** What was his name? Alex or something?

**Dopp:** Alister!

(Doppie waves to Alister, Alister walks over. There is animated chatter)

**Lara  
><strong>…Wait a minute...isn't that…  
>Oh, you son of a-<p>

(Lara stomps over and tries to slap Kurtis, but he grabs her arm)

**Kurtis: **I would not recommend doing that.

**Lara:** You _lied_ to me! Kurtis _Trent?_

**Kurtis:** What did you expect me to say? "By the way, I'm Kurtis Heissturm, your sworn enemy"?

**Lara:** …

**Kurtis:** Now, can I let you go without being torn to pieces?

**Lara:** Fine.

(He lets her go)

**Lara: **I can't believe this. The only person I can stand in this god-forsaken city is my sworn enemy.

**Kurtis:** For incredibly stupid reasons too. The whole feud thing is unbelievably pointless.

**Lara: **I don't think there's even a purpose to it anymore.

**Kurtis:** The shadow war's over…

**Lara:** And Natla's _dead_.

**Kurtis:** Natla's…wait what? She's dead? How?

**Lara:** I kind of shoved her into a pit of lava.

**Kurtis:** You shoved her into a pit of lava?

**Lara:  
><strong>Yeah, she had mostly lost it, spouting gibberish about mutants and the seventh age and stuff. So I just…put her out of my misery.

**Kurtis:** (laughing) You are _insane_!

**Lara:** Am not!

(Some quasi-arguing and much laughter later)

**Lara: **In all seriousness, why were you at the ball last night?

**Kurtis:** Alister wanted me to go.

**Lara:** and…?

**Kurtis:  
><strong>And I've found that doing what he wants me to is usually less painful in the long run than listening to him complain about it later.

**Lara:** …well, I'm glad you did. I haven't had that much fun at one of mother's functions in ages.

**Kurtis:** Sorry about ditching you like that. Hope Rutland wasn't too much of a bother.

**Lara:** You were tempting fate enough by just being there, let alone dancing with me. I understand.

(Anaya, Doppie and Alister are finishing their 'conversation')

**Lara: **I need to go soon… see you around?

**Kurtis:** Yeah.

(She kisses him on the cheek, then joins the other girls. They exit.)

(Kurtis begins to exit to hide the grin on his face)

**Alister: **Hey! What happened?

**Kurtis:** Go away Alister!

(They exit)

**Reviews will be read, hugs will be returned, and cookies will be accepted gleefully! And guess what the next scene is! (Go read the actual play to find out! X3)**


	9. Act II Scene ii

**_EXTRA UPDATE DUE TO HIATUS: Because I've been gone for so long, I thought I'd give a bonus update. The Act I Prologue is now updated all nice and shiny-like. Go check it out._**

**AN: HOLY BANANACAKES IT'S DONE! You have no idea how much time I spent writing and re-writing Kurtis' soliloquy at the beginning. (hint, it was about 4 months or so) But I did it. YESSS.  
>Huge thanksshout out to Jessica. This is for you. Read and enjoy your Kurtis-y goodness. Perhaps I can get back to regular updates? *crosses fingers***

**Man have I missed these disclaimers. Kurtis is the most awesome being in the world, and his emotional turmoil entertains me. Lara is fantabulous. Heck, I'd even put up with _Alister_ at this point. I own nobody except my fried brain, which tastes nice dipped in barbeque sauce. Mmmm... *creepy smile*  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Act II<strong>

**Scene ii**

* * *

><p>(Kurtis enters)<p>

**Kurtis: **I'm breaking into the Croft Manor garden. I'm breaking into the Croft Manor garden… I must be absolutely insane. I mean, this would certainly qualify as insane, dangerous, and possibly life-threatening. Fun stuff to do in my free time, I tell you. And now I'm talking to myself. Just what I need. Next thing you know I'll be as batshit as Natla herself, pre-lava anyway…  
>So. Life. I'm breaking into the Croft Manor garden. To see Lara, because… I'm not quite sure. Because I've taken leave of my senses. And Zip has gone AWOL, and I have no inclinations whatsoever to talk to Alister, and things always make more sense with Lara anyway. Actually, nevermind that. I don't need any romantic-esque crap. What am I, Romeo?<p>

(He pauses, if anyone in the audience says yes, he glares at them, then continues)

**Kurtis: ***mega sarcasm* Yeah, that's what I'm going to do, stand outside her window and recite lovey-dovey poetry garbage. I may be insane right now, but there is a limit to how much bullshit I can put up with at one time.

(A balcony appears on the side of the stage, with light surrounding it)

**Kurtis:** That's it, I'm going. I'm done with this madness, these strange thoughts, this…

(Kurtis moves to exit away from the balcony)

**Lara:** (from offstage) 'Night Doppie!

(He freezes, and turns toward the balcony)

**Kurtis: **No… I shouldn't. I need to leave, or I'll get caught. But…

(He moves to the edge of the light)

**Kurtis: **Lara!

(Lara enters on the balcony, half-asleep)

**Lara: **Hmm? Did I hear something?

(She waits a few seconds, not noticing Kurtis)

**Lara:** Probably just the wind…

**Kurtis: **(whispers) Okay, now that I've seen her, I'm leaving.

(She moves to leave)

**Kurtis: ***cringes***…**Lara!

(Lara picks up a gun from offstage and whirls around, pointing it around the stage)

**Lara: **I know you're there!Show yourself!

**Kurtis: **Don't shoot.

(Kurtis steps into the light, and Lara visibly relaxes, putting the gun down offstage)

**Lara: **Kurtis? What are you doing here?

**Kurtis: **I asked myself the same question. The only answer I got is that I've lost it.

**Lara: ***laughs* In that case, can I join you? It seems like a lovely night to take leave of one's senses.

(She climbs down from the balcony and joins Kurtis on the ground)

**Lara: **So…

**Kurtis:** So.

**Lara: **How's life?

**Kurtis:** Pretty shit, actually.

**Lara:** I know the feeling.

***pause***

**Kurtis: **I just need to get away from it all, you know? I mean, my 'friends', and I use that term loosely, are all well and good, but-

**Lara:** They just don't get it. The whole feuding families thing. How we're expected to do what our families do.

**Kurtis:** We need to get out of this city.

**Lara:** Hmm?

**Kurtis:** You and I. Leave, go somewhere, and never look back.

**Lara:** Why haven't you left before?

**Kurtis:** Who honestly is going to give a broke ex-merc a plane ticket to anywhere? And my bike can only go so far.

**Lara:** Good point, but… I think I know someone who might… or rather, someone who could get _us_ out of the city.

**Kurtis:** And why haven't _you_ left, if you know this person?

**Lara:** Father shut down almost all my contacts after a few… incidents, not too long ago.

**Kurtis:** Involving Natla getting shoved into a pit of lava?

**Lara:** No, I don't think he knows about that one, but let's just say it had to do with the Russian Mafia.

**Kurtis:** Have I ever told you you're insane?

**Lara:** Once or twice, perhaps…

**Kurtis:** And this contact… could get us out of Paris?

**Lara:** If nothing else, beyond city limits, where we could catch a plane to… somewhere.

**Kurtis:** London maybe?

**Lara:** No, I have family there. I was thinking the States, myself.

**Kurtis:** No way. Lux Strongholds over there, and I'd prefer to stay in one piece thank you.

**Lara:** Eastern Europe then? My Czech isn't that good, but…

**Kurtis:** Eastern Europe is even worse than the States. How about Italy?

**Lara:** Sounds alright. I've been meaning to go to Venice…

**Doppie: **(From offstage) Lara! Where are you?

**Lara:** Oh dear…

(Doppie enters on the balcony)

**Doppie: **Your mother wants to talk to y-

(She sees Lara and Kurtis, and sighs)

**Doppie: **I saw nothing. Just… hurry it up, alright?

(Doppie exits)

**Lara: **I... I need to go.

**Kurtis:** Here, I'll give you a boost.

(He helps her back up to the balcony)

**Kurtis: **I'll see you around, yeah?

**Lara:** Yeah. I'll see about talking to the contact about getting us out of here soon.

**Kurtis:** How're you going to send me the message?

**Lara:** What do you mean?

**Kurtis:** Well, you've already made yourself rather suspicious, Miss Croft, what with talking to random strangers in the street, and in your garden.

**Lara:** I didn't invite him into my garden, he broke in.

**Kurtis:** Still suspicious.

**Lara:** If you prefer, I could have shot him on sight rather than speaking to him…

**Kurtis:** I'd rather you didn't, at least in my case. But if anyone else shows up here, I'd be more than happy to shoot them for you, if you want.

**Lara:** I'll be sure to keep that in mind.

**Doppie:** (offstage) Lara! Hurry up!

**Lara:** Okay!  
>*to Kurtis* Goodnight then, I suppose.<p>

**Kurtis:** Goodnight Lara.

(Lara exits, and lights around balcony dim)

(Kurtis is left smiling, then shakes his head sharply, and walking offstage on the other side)

**Kurtis:** I'm not Romeo dammit!

* * *

><p><strong>Love, cookies, and hugs all around! Reviews are appreciated and will be munched on gleefully! And go check out the new prologue if you haven't already!<br>**


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